The wisdom of middle age

from “Eight Weeks”

Tonight I began my recovery from two weeks of grant applications. I applied to the Canada Council for the Arts, and then when a trusted friend told me to, I applied for the Berlin Comics grant. After my last submission Wednesday I took a few days to feel disoriented and to catch up on emails. Finally today I went for a run, did a workout. I need my routine back. I have chronic pain that I can keep at bay if I exercise. A two week break means pain plus headaches. Shitty.

I feel like I am starting a new software company in my garage. Writing art grants is an intense process that requires the applicant to develop a rationale for the work, explain their artistic development and directions, put together a project plan and budget for exactly how they will spend the money, etc. It is intense!

I remember when I tried to do this project while I was living  on my parents’ farm in 2005. I gave up after a few months because I was lost in all of the planning and organization required. All these years at my previous job I finally know how to plan and organize a project, balance the administrative burden, track progress, make budgets, weather the emotional ups and downs, plan my day, and so on. 

I wish I had figured all this out earlier. Well, I did, now that I think of it. I was accepted into an art school in 2010 but I decided that I wanted to have another baby instead. I got pregnant, but then I miscarried at eight weeks.

That miscarriage became the subject of my first completed sequential art. I’m re-drawing it  again. 

I was reading advice on grant applications from people who work for the Canada Council for the Arts, and they said that the primary problem is that people underestimate how much effort and time artists put into such tasks. Going to high school for visual arts, studying music, doing my Masters degree in creative writing were all very important for artistic development, but when it came to managing multiyear projects, I was unprepared. 

I've never been a particularly self-aware person, so I just took my confusion as a sign that I should give up.