Dreaming of Canada

 

Next month I am moving back to Ottawa, and I don‘t want to go. There‘s no use telling the Germans. But, Lia „Kanada ist das Traumland!“

A dreamland.

They‘re thinking about mountains, Mounties and multiculteralism, and, by God, they‘re right about that.

For me, Canada is the place where I never felt as comfortable as I do in Berlin.

After being forced in Germany to live in a European way, and learning to love it, I realise that in Canada, I lived how I thought I was supposed to live.

Not only did I fail to live the way that I want to live, worse, I didn‘t even know how I wanted to live. I knew I was unhappy. I didn‘t know why.

The sin is people pleasing.

Even though people pleasing makes the world go around. Just ask anyone trying to keep a relationship going, any kind of relationship! Putting your needs and wants into perspective is healthy. We need to meet people halfway, at least partway. We can‘t always get our own way.

But failing even to know what our needs and wants are, like, in the first place? Cringe, says my inner teenager.

Here is what I have learned from living in Germany. I live to move and I need to move. I need stairs, cycle paths, a nearby park for strolling with friends, running or calisthenics.

I need to be able to eat well. I need a good and healthy food supply, and I need time to cook it at home.

I need to know where I live, to understand it and to have a connection to it. I need time for my family and I, for my thoughts and for my friends. And I need time and energy to care for my community. I need a nearby kind of life that I can live without a car.

I don‘t want to move to Canada because I am afraid that I cannot live this way in that country. I feel like my culture has let me down, by favouring concrete and ashphalt over nature, coveting ever-larger homes and cars, fixating on things instead of ideas and culture, putting the bottom line in urban design above people.

But Canada has lots of precious qualities. First among them, people who are warm and open, people who want to be kind. It‘s a very good start, right?

And my family can speak English there, when language has been such a barrier here, despite all my excellent language training.

So I hope that with a little bit of compromise, I can bring this late-in-life knowledge of how I need to live to the next phase of my life in Canada.

This time, it‘s not a house in the suburbs and two cars. Instead, we found a modest apartment downtown, near the farmers‘ market and shops, public transit, schools and library. It‘s not gorgeous, needs work, and I know that for years to come, Canadians will walk into our small home and look around quizzically. Um, so tell me again why you guys decided to live downtown?

I hope it was the right decision. I hope I can proudly say, well, I know it‘s not big and that we can‘t barbecue or play in the yard. But we moved here because we can walk to the brew pub or the theatre or the parade. I pick up food for our meals on my way home from work, instead of spending Saturday morning at the Superstore. We leave the car to languish in the garage. Our kids make their own way by bicycle to school, and they take the bus anywhere they want. They don‘t depend on their parents. We‘re all free.

Maybe once I have settled in at work, I can offer a free comics workshop for kids again, or start up a comics Meet-Up group for adults.

I don‘t know. I hope so. I hope it all works out a bit like I hope.

Have you been able to figure out how you want to live? And could you manage it?