I really miss my blog. I've been really busy with work, and planning for a trip to a friend's wedding. Also, I've been applying to a promotional competition at work, which takes a lot of preparation. My cover letter was two pages, single-spaced!
On top of that, I really struggled with whether or not to self-declare as a disabled employee. I have permanent damage to and chronic tendonitis in four parts of my arms with related neck and back pain. I'm in pain all the time. Every day. Half of one of my hands has been numb for over a week, just as an example of some of the crap I live with. At work, I have disability equipment, and I couldn't work without it. Changing jobs is always scary (new managers, new roles, possible demands I can't do), and it dampens any interest I have in trying for jobs outside my department. (Would they accommodate me as well, if at all?) I've suffered for it: lost eight total months of work to it, and been in physical therapy four separate times, totalling, I don't know, a year or two? Plus, in the job ad, they said they if not enough people from the employment equity categories applied, that they would go outside our department looking for them.
On the other hand, when they say that they look at equivalent-by-merit applications and then choose the one that has a designation (woman, disabled, Aboriginal person, disabled), do they really? How equivalent is equivalent? Am I contributing to the discrimination of an able person? I wish I knew someone in HR that I could talk to frankly. But it was due last night at midnight (which was when I first wrote this! so sleeeeepy now), so I made my decision based on what I knew. I did not self-declare.
I just can't bear to think that they turned someone else down because I am a disabled person. I also now feel like a traitor to disabled employees, and like I've betrayed myself. I may now also risk someone else in these categories getting a job that I could have gotten, all things being equal. This is really hard. I slept on it, and I feel no better. Yay!
Sorry for the super-personal blog entry. Back to *light and fresh* soon :)